she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
