Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
As shirtless as possible
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
