I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
