no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
