evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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