my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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