You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
