Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
