Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize