So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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