It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
