Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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