i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
