you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
