Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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