remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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