I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it glows. i had to have it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
