Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
