I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
so much tequila, so little girl.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
