We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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