So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
