apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize