I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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