I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
