apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
