Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
