my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
