dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
