i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize