there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
