i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
