come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
