Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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