plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
