After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Im part way to drunk.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
