ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
