Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
