he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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