Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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