I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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