the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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