What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
