she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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