Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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