I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
