I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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