can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
