Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize