My hair reeks of homosexuality.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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