Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
