worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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