So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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