once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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