My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
