I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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