she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize