I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
