after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
